Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
I love being able to celebrate good things happening in a friend’s life. But how can I begin to help a friend who is going through something difficult?
Sometimes it feels easiest to pretend that nothing has happened, to say nothing, do nothing. I can justify it by telling myself that I don’t know what to say and it is probably better to just stay out of it. Has that worked for you? For decades I regretted not saying anything to a classmate whose father had died suddenly. I came to realize that my lack of knowing what to say was much less important than his pain.
A big first step is to listen to what your friend feels comfortable with sharing. Look for a time when the two of you can talk without others around. Instead of asking how she is, try asking how she feels about something. Each of us reacts to things differently. What can be small to one may be a deep grief to another. The important thing is to listen to her, to acknowledge her pain, and to listen without giving answers.
Respect how much she feels like sharing and don’t push for more than she wants to give. Focus on her. Remember that what she shares is private. Ask before sharing with another person. The only exception to this would be if you felt your friend was in danger of hurting herself or another. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it may be appropriate to suggest she get help from a professional. There should be no shame in asking for help.
A hug might be the best thing you could give.
Be sensitive to her. If you have something to share that may be painful for her to hear, let her know the news privately before sharing it in front of a group or sending the news electronically.
If you can think of some practical service to offer your friend, and are able to give it, offer. Could she use a meal? Would an hour or two of childcare help? Pick something up at a store? Ask her what would be helpful. Sometimes a short note of encouragement can be wonderful. Take the time to write out a special verse that has encouraged you.
I asked the other mentor moms for any suggestions they might have, and Mary mentioned women like to get stuff and bringing a small gift of something that is your favorite is a practical thing. A gift card, even in a small amount says you took the time and made the effort.
Letting others know you will be praying for them is good, but Mary also had a wonderful suggestion. “Instead of saying ‘I’ll pray for you’, say ‘May I pray for you right now?’ And then do it. This can be scary, especially for people who are not comfortable praying out loud in front of others. But this is the time to get over that and realize what comfort and peace come from hands on, face to face delivering of blessing from God. Make it simple. Be honest. ‘Lord, I’m not so good at praying out loud, but I love______, and I’m asking you to bless her with Your comfort and peace.’ The enemy hates when we do this and would much rather we go away and then forget that we promised to pray. Obedience is stretching, but we need that.”
I’ve realized over the years that I want to make a difference in someone else’s life, but that shouldn’t be my focus. If I am intent on making someone feel better, I’m more focused on myself than them. It is better for me to remember that while God can use me in the life of a friend, He is the only one that can bring healing.
I recently came across a new translation of the Bible called “The Voice” and love how 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 reads. “All praise goes to God, Father of our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One. He is the Father of compassion, the God of all comfort. He consoles us as we endure the pain and hardship of life so that we may draw from His comfort and share it with others in their own struggles.”
As I finish today, I’d like to pray a prayer from Ephesians.
“Father, out of Your honorable and glorious riches, strengthen Your people. Fill their souls with the power of Your Spirit so that through faith the Anointed One will reside in their hearts. May love be the rich soil where their lives take root. May it be the bedrock where their lives are founded so that together with all of Your people they will have the power to understand that the love of the Anointed is infinitely long, wide, high, and deep, surpassing everything anyone previously experienced. God, may Your fullness flood through their entire beings.
Now to the God who can do so many awe-inspiring things, immeasurable things, things greater than we ever could ask or imagine through the power at work in us, to Him be all glory in the church and in Jesus the Anointed from this generation to the next, forever and ever. Amen.”
